Xmas story

So xmas eve I was at my sister's house, waiting to go to the grownups xmas party. My 5yo nephew was running around in his undies, and wouldn't get dressed. We were talking about santa, and I told him I wasn't getting anything. When he asked why not, I said I was bad, I had a habit of spanking naked little boys who refused to get dressed. I was trying to convince him to put some clothes on. Fast forward to my stepmom's house. She wanted to talk to me. Apparently little Cayden informed her that I wasn't getting anything for xmas because "He likes to spank naked little boys", totally leaving off the "who won't get dressed" part :)

Luckily I was able to explain...

Just 28???

28

Merry Xmas bitches!

Forget Punked, it's Punched!

An all new KITT

I always loved Knight Rider. KITT was just so fucking cool. Now they're coming out with a new Knight Rider made for tv movie. I doubt it'll be David H. playing Michael, though :) Who cares about Michael? All we care about is the new KITT, this time they're dumping the lame Pontiac and going with a Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR. Most of the commenters hate it, but they're losers. That car kicks ass!!!

Gotta love the Griswalds.

One of these days I'm going to do my house up in lights....

Ok, soo not a cat person, but this is funny

School's Out!

Dad catches kid smoking pot, sells Xmas presents on Ebay

A Canadian man who said he sold his 15-year-old son's prized video game, a Christmas gift, on eBay after catching him smoking marijuana has sparked an online debate on who is wrong--father or son.
Full Story

I say good for him. The kid got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do. Whether pot should or shouldn't be legal is irrelevant. Sure, it's possible the whole debacle is "publicly humiliating" the son. Good! Most punishment, especially the quick ones, are *supposed* to be humiliating. The pain from a spanking doesn't last long. The emotional pain does, and that's the true deterrent! I can ground, spank, beg, or bribe R to be good in private, and it barely works. A quick swat in public *where other people can see* and she's instantly on her best behavior. So take away his Guitar Hero III, and let him know why. Mind your Dad, kid!

Ahh, good ol' Wired magazine.

Trust Wired magazine to bring up the concept of Alt.Santas (each one wanting to be your holiday provider). My personal favorite is Parent Appreciation Santa. How much does it suck to bust your ass to get your kid just what they want, only to have them tell you that Santa always brings good stuff, while "your presents are boring".

I'm just about sick of the whole Christmas thing, anyway. Fucking commercialism.

Merry Xmas to ME

Well I broke down and got some new boots this weekend. My old boots were 15+ years old and barely had any sole left :) I've looked for a suitable replacement for a while, but surprisingly enough I couldn't find anything decent for under $100. Hell! I only paid $50 for those old Walmart boots, and they lasted for fucking ever!

Well, my options basically boiled down to $110 boots that weren't steel-toe, had crappy leather, but looked pretty, or $135 for steel-toe, good quality Doc Martens, but they're brown & not so pretty. Oh, well. I dig the lug soles, and they were comfortable from the first time I wore them, and they should last. They'll also do a good job replacing my skateboard shoes for when I'm riding.

Super-duper bonus! They're genuine shit-kickers! Now I look even MORE like the white-trash piece o' shit redneck that I am! Hell, if my hair & beard get just a bit more white/grey, I'll look just like the Gambler!

Yeehaw! Motherfuckers!

PS. I should probably warn you, in case you're reading: don't go digging through my trash can. Remember, redneck, whitetrash, lying, cheating, woman-stealing motherfuckers have guns... It's part of what makes us who we are.

Quote of the Day

Dysfunction:
"The only consistent feature in all your dysfunctional relationships is you."

Yes, I realize this is the perfect lead-in to Mr. Anonymous to send me another snarky comment. Go ahead and comment, it doesn't affect me in the least, and I'm assuming it makes you feel better. I'd hate for you to put all that effort in for no reward.

I don't know if I'd call it the "Word of the Year"

Tuesday, Merriam-Webster crowned "w00t" word of the year.

I don't think I'd even call it a "word". A saying, or an expression, maybe. But not a word. Is it still a word if it has numbers in it? Wikipedia isn't clear.

I don't think it works for dogs

PawSense - Catproof your computer.

Please note, however: "PawSense does not include a miracle cure for deafness."

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children....

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

I love looking at young pussy

A hot 25 yo!

The good ol' C=64. I got mine in '91 or so, from Paul when he upgraded to the C=128. We spent so much time on BBS's downloading warez over his super-fast 2400 baud modem. We spent almost 2 weeks trying to crack the protection on the Track & Field game :)

I still have that thing somewhere, and about 500 floppies with games on it...

A smorgasborg of links

Ok, really only four. First up we have a funny little comic from Jenny at Devil's Panties ("Not Satanic porn... honest!"). She's the artist who drew my latest tattoo. Anyway, the comic is all about slapping the cat...

Next, to put us in the xmas mood, there's a comic I stumbled over titled interview with a human. It's a side-scroller, but trust me, by the end it gets to xmas. It's funny.

Next we have a NSFW link. If you've never been on any message boards, NSFW stands for Not Safe For Work, so you've been warned. It's not quite Sesame Street, although the recently released first seasons have been labelled adults only. You didn't care about that, though. You want NSFW! Here it is, the the ABC's of boobs! Of course, my favorite letter is "G".

Lastly, a link that no one but me cares about. It's a stat page for the server I play on every night. Notice who's number 2? It may look like a landslide, but #1 is at 42.8 points/hr, and #2 is at 42.7 points/hr. So I'm not that far behind :)

REDHEADS!!!

God was nice enough to put a warning light on TOP!!!

W00t!

So while I thought I was pretty much out of vacation, I recently found out I actually have so much that I'm in danger of falling prey to the "use it or lose it" policy. We only get to carry over 15 days. Long story short, I can cash it in or take it, and I'm going to do a little of both. There's supposed to be a stretch right around xmas where you can take 3 days of vacation, and get 2 weeks off. Yay me!

On a more bummer note, I'm pretty sure the incision from my hydrocelectomy is infected. I'm using one of those vacation days to try to get in to see the doctor.

I think this is going to be a cool movie

Note: if I tried to watch any preview other than 480, it was too big for my screen.

I was a Speed Racer fan when I was a kid, I used to love it. Although I'm not a fan of the actor playing him, I still think this will be pretty good. Just watch the damn trailer :)

Gibson's new robot

Ok, not really a robot, a self-tuning guitar. It doesn't *quite* play itself, but it's close :)

It's been a whole year

Paulc

I miss Paul quite a bit. I'm constantly thinking, "Oh, I need to tell Paul about that", or just to have someone to talk to. Fucker.

Don't drink & ride!

Yeah, dorkboy

I'm a dork

I would send this to Paul, but...

Mending

But it seems like it's taking for-fucking-ever. I know, the surgery was only yesterday, but still. Let some doctor make a 3" horizontal incision in your scrotum, remove your testicles, play with them like a yoyo for a bit, and put them back in & see how you feel!

To be fair, as swollen as the left one was, I'm surprised it fit coming out of a 3" hole. I have this funky mesh jock strap thingy to keep everything in place, and Percocet to make me not care so much :)

I've just been taking it easy. Watching a lot of TV & DVDs. I installed VirtualBox, and Ubuntu 7.10, and that works pretty well. I've also been playing around a bit with Second Life. I'll probably ditch Second Life, though. There's just not much to do that I can find. Reminds me a bit of Sims Online, though. Oh, well.

Cool trick with Mountain Dew

Mountain Dew Glows!!!! Mountain Dew Light Hack!!! - For more amazing video clips, click here

Swiss Study Finds Marijuana Use Alone May Benefit Some Teens

This is teens who only use marijuana once or twice a month. They do better in nearly all aspect than teens who smoke cigarettes, both, or don't do any drugs.Of course a US doctor disagrees.

read more | digg story

Words are rarely enough

But still, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve it. I'm a bad person.

A more unpleasantly productive Monday

Wednesday I go for my ultrasound, and assuming I'm not pregnant, surgery on Friday.

A productive weekend

On Saturday I built a 4' x 6' loft in the garage. It's a good place for extra bike parts to hang out. Right now it's stuffed full of Goldwing baggage :)

On Sunday I replaced the water pump on the Merc. One touchy bit removing the fan. It kept spinning instead of loosening. It was suggested that I jam something into the belt to stop it spinning, but that didn't work. I went to Autozone to buy a "fan clutch tool" but all they had was a set for most Fords. I checked, and indeed a fan clutch tool for a Ford 4.6L V8 was included. The guy said it'd be $40. I was hesitant to purchase a full set of Ford tools that I'd use once, but it was still cheaper than paying someone to do it. The guy kept talking as I was thinking, "And when you bring it back, you'll get your $40 back, it's just a deposit."

Yep, it was a loaner tool. Sometimes Autozone isn't too bad.

First we make an incision in the scrotum

Then we remove your testicles...

You know, this is *not* a procedure I want to perform on myself. Although I can think of a few people that'd like to do it for me....

Dont forget to throw the gall bladder away.

Waiting lists for operations are often long and surgeons' fees can be very high. You can overcome both problems by learning how to perform surgery on yourself. Of course, you have to remember that some operations are far too complicated for the beginner. Even quite gifted amateurs will have difficulty in coping with delicate neurosurgical procedures. Amputations can be pretty tricky too.

Before you do anything at all you must plan your operation. You may have a cool nerve, steady hands and an incisive mind but you wont get far without a few instruments. Planning is all important in surgery. There is nothing worse than getting to the end of an operation and discovering that you dont have anything with which to close the wound. You'll find that walk to the local sudery appliances shop twice as long when your having to hold the edges of a gaping wound together. Remember how it feels when there isn't any toilet paper left ? Well, it'll be a lot worse than that!

The first decision you must make concerns the nature of the operation you intend to perform. Here are some of the operations you can choose from: tonsillectomy, hip replacement, orchidoplexy, mammaplasty and hemicolectomy. There are lots of other operations; some of them quite impossible to spell. Dont allow yourself to drift into doing a operation just because you can pronounce it. Try to choose one that will be useful. I suggest that you try an exploratory laparotomy or a simple cholecystectomy to start with since the mortality rates associated with these operations are relatively slight.

Having decided on an operation you must next collect together all the instruments and equipment you're likely to need. A good basic kit will include: foot operated suction pump, bi-active hyfrecator, platinum tipped cautery burner, heavy duty gynaecological transformer, proctosigmoid dessection set, universal needle set, angle ball electrode, Babinski's percussor, diathermy scalpel handle, Halsted's `mosquito' artery forceps, Backhaus' towel clips, Lister's sinus forceps. Foerster's sponge holding forceps, Littauer stitch sissors, Wright's needle holder, Crile Murray's needle holder, aural syringe, McKay nail elevator, seamless aliminium ear trough, Thudichum's nasal specula, Higginson's rubber syringe, Rose's sinus douching cannula, post nasal and laryngeal atomizer, St Clair Thomson's rhionoscope mirrors, Naunton Morgan's rectal speculum, universal lighting attachment, Barron haemorrhoidal ligator, dissecting forceps, uterine curette, Horrocks uterine sound, heavy duty cautery outfit, Macrae mucous extractor, umbilical dilator, Portex umbilical cannula, disposable sugical gloves, self sealing bisexual urinal.

You'll also need a large cardboard box filled with assorted syringes, needles, towels and paper tissues. You wont need to bother with a mask. Sugeons only wear those so that they wont be recognised afterwards.

Most of the instruments I've described can be obtained from any surgical supply store, but if you have any difficulty in finding some of them try approaching your local hospital. Offer to bye or rent an armful of assorted instruments. You will need at least an armful for any useful operation.

Having chosen an operation and having collected a bundle of instruments, you must then decide on the best site. You can, of course, perform your operation just about anywhere but it might prove sensible to opt for the kitchen. For one thing there will probably be a large table there. What's more, the floor and walls will probably be fairly easy to clean. If your home is equipped with a specially furnished operating theatre then there will, of course, be no problem.

Next you must have a good shave. Not just the hair on your face; you must shave your entire body. Little germs and other nasty things can hide among the hairs - particularly the tightly packed curly ones - and so it is vitally important to remove every last millimetre of stubble.

Finally, before you start it's wise to take the telephone off the hook and put any animals in another room. You dont want people ringing up when you're half way through a liver transplant to ask you round for coffee; nor do you want your dog to hang about begging for scraps. It might be a good idea to lock and bolt the back door too. Neighbours and tradesmen who might wander in by mistake may bring fresh germs with them. They are very unlikely to have shaved off all their hair before coming to see you.

With everything ready you can now begin. Pull the table into a good position where the light is evenly distributed. Put a pillow or a pile of towels under your head so that you can see what you are doing. Unfasten your skirt or your trousers and part your clothing so that you can see the whole area involved. If you are going to perform brain surgery you can keep all your clothes on.

Before you cut through the skin you must give yourself an anaesthetic, of course. This is really quite important. I suggest you give yourself an intravenous injection of Valium - using perhaps 20 mg. You mustn't render yourself completely unconscious, or you'll have difficultly in continuing with the procedure. You can start cutting as soon as you begin to feel woozy.

If, for example you have decided to perform a gall bladder removal operation on yourself, you can now set to work in search of the gall bladder. The following outline will demonstrate how simple it all is.

You will, of course, have unfastened your trousers (or skirt) and pulled your shirt (or blouse) right up under your chin. You may even like to remove your clothing altogether. Do remember to draw the kitchen curtains if you do this. Your gall bladder is nestling somewhere under your right rib and that is where you will be working.

The first cut must take you right to the site, so it is important to make it in the correct place. Don't make half a dozen cuts or you're going to find sewing up afterwards a real nightmare. The cut should be precisely situated underneath that rib. Do make a good deep cut and dont be tempted to mess around with a lot of wimpish little nicks. A really sharp slash with your scalpel will take you straight through the skin, the subcutanous fat, the fascia, the muscle layers and the peritoneum. Poke your hand through the hole you've made and feel around inside. Once you've found the gall bladder (you can't fail to recognise it) you can use your scissors to cut it away from the other internal tissues. There may be a little bleeding but there shouldn't be anything that a styptic pencil won't stop. (A styptic pencil, by the way is a very useful item.)

With the gall bladder out of the way, all that remains is to sew up the wound again. That shouldn't take more than a minute or two. It really is an extremely simple business and it's astonishing to think that surgeons make so much fuss about it.

Give yourself five minutes to recover and then get up off the table and make yourself a nice cup of tea. (That's another advantage of using the kitchen - the kettle isn't far away.) Dont forget to throw the gall bladder away. Wrap it in a paper bag if you're going to put it in the dustbin. As you relax with your tea, you can reflect smugly on the huge amounts of time and money you've saved.

Cult o' Death

Halloween is being "banned" in Moscow's schools, and all across Russia. The Kremlin, with little pushes from the Russian Orthodox Church, isn't trying to completely ban the holiday, just in schools and colleges. So they say, anyway.

The cult of death, the embracing of the dark traditions, the ritualistic ceremonies, all make them feel a tad uncomfortable.

Happy Halloween!

Don't bang on his door on Saturday morning

Door-to-Door Atheist

Posted Nov 21, 2006

Fed up with door-to-door Mormon missionaries, John Safran decides to do a little proselytizing of his own.

Orangutan prefers blondes

That's ok, I prefer tattooed blonds over orangutans, too!

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Sibu the Orangutan has miffed his Dutch keepers by refusing to mate with females and showing sexual interest only in tattooed human blondes.

Apenheul Primate Park hoped Sibu would become its breeding male when he arrived two years ago, but orangutans aren't his type.

"He chases them, or ignores them, but he doesn't do what he should do," said a spokeswoman for the park.

Instead, Sibu fancies his female keepers, especially blondes. That, the spokeswoman said, was common for orangutans but Sibu has a fetish for tattoos, harking back to a heavily tattooed keeper who reared him.


"orangutans have special interests in special subjects. Sibu happens to like tattoos," she said.

The park hasn't given up on Sibu, 31. He showed an amorous interest in a female Orangutan while living in England and keepers hope he will find love when reunited with her in a new enclosure in Chester, England.

Well fuck, I just lost the game

Now what am I going to do???

The new motorcycle blog

From now on, this will be a motorcycle blog.

Ok, not completely. I do need to rebuild the motor on my bike, though. It pretty much stopped in the middle of a ride. Once I pulled over and tried to restart it, the motor was locked up. Luckily, it freed up once it cooled off a bit. Still, I gotta pull the head & check everything out. Hopefully it's just the cam chain guide, and maybe the cam chain. Still, I've never torn into a motor, so it'll be a learning experience.

New South Park next week, whoo-hoo!

Divorce JOTD

I promise a real post soon. At the very least, you need to see my new tattoo. -jred

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Are you gay?

"Am I Gay?" Self-examination

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.

Get run over by police, get fined

Basically the story is this: Dan is driving. Dan gets flat tire. Dan gets out to walk for help. Mr. Cop sees Dan walking away from car. Mr. Cop swerves over to intercept Dan. Mr. Cop runs over Dan's foot, crushing it. Mr. Cop rushes Dan to the hospital. Mr. Cop smells lawsuit, decides to try and cover himself. Mr. Cop gives Dan a ticket for denting his car. Dan is sad.

Cool house ideas

Thomas Edison's Concrete Houses

Read a Book!

OMG! This never happens to me!

So I stopped at a yard sale today, because I saw they had a weedeater out & I need one.  I wasn't expecting it to run, but if it did, I didn't want to pay more than 10 or 20 bucks for it.  So I walk up and the lady says "If you see something you want, name your price & you can probably have it."  I figure they must be trying to just have the shit go away.  I've been there :)  I ask if the weedeater works, and she says she's not sure but he only wants a dollar for it.  The guy comes out & says it runs but the bottom doesn't spin.  He cranks it up & it started easy.  Looked like the string wanted to spin, but whatever.  He actually did just want a dollar for it.  

I went ahead and bought it.  I figured if I couldn't fix it cheaply, I'd work out a way to put it on Ramona's bike & make a moped :)  Or just throw it away.  It was a freakin dollar!  Later I started to take it apart, to check the drive cable.  It looked ok, so I spun it by hand.  The string started spinning!  As I was putting the shaft back in the motor, I realized it had been pulled out about a half inch.  I cranked it up & the fucker worked!  I got a working weedeater for a dollar!  W00t!

LOL

Just saw her on Comedy Central. She's my new favorite comedienne (sp?)

Who'd have thunk it?

I discovered I was out of Irish Spring, my normal brand of soap.  Oh, well, I'll just use some of Ramona's body wash.  Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!  Who'd have thought that Cucumber & Green Tea Moisturizing Body Wash (For Dry Skin) would be so icky?!?!  It felt like I'd taken a bath in Jergen's!  Plus, it made me feel dirty all day.  I just knew stuff was sticking to every available inch of my body...

On the way home I stopped and got some Irish Spring.  Tomorrow I'll feel fresh and clean as a whistle!

No spiders last night

And in case you were wondering, no, I'm not on drugs.

Of course, maybe there were no spiders because I was too busy in the bathroom.  I'm starting to wonder if I've got IBS.  A trumped up, psychosomatic illness if I've ever heard of one.

On my way now to the school for a parent meeting.  My little girl is going to middle school.  Damn, add something else to that pile of hormones...

Get them off of me!!!!

For the past 3 or 4 nights in a row, I've awoken (is that a word?) at some time between 2 & 4am.  Each time I was convinced that I was covered in spiderwebs.  Usually Otto wakes up, too and wants to go outside.  I get up, let him out & wait for him to finish, the whole time trying to get the damn spiderwebs out of my hair, off my face, arms & chest.  Never my legs, but they're under blankets...

I'm still not sure if I'm actually covered in spiderwebs or just imagining it.  My mind is always a bit wonky when I first wake up, anyway.  Especially at 3am.  I recently bush-hogged my back yard, so I've been seeing more native wildlife, especially spiders.  So it could conceiviably be really happening.

Ok, alright

So it's probably going to be more than a couple of days before cautioninc comes back online.  Failed hard drive, which means I'll need to reinstall the OS.  I'm hoping it doesn't mean I've lost all my data, but we'll see.  Like anyone realy wants to go back and read what all happened to me during my divorce.  Ok, and see all the pictures.  For now, this will work, and maybe forever...